When we face challenging situations, we default to asking ourselves “What do I do?” We naturally drive toward action, outcomes, and quick solutions. But this response is often rushed and superficial. (There’s a reason we hang out in “Clarify” for multiple steps!)
Shifting the question to “Who do I want to be?” moves us into our deeper values, our autonomy, and alignment with self. Research in value-based decision-making shows that choices driven by our internal values—not just external circumstances—lead to more meaningful, satisfying outcomes, enhance decision-making, and reduce stress. People who make decisions aligned with their values report better problem-solving and overall well-being. (Psychology Today)
Neuroscience underscores this too: deeply held values—sometimes called “sacred” values—are processed differently in the brain than utilitarian, outcome-oriented decisions. When people refuse to compromise on their core values, brain activity reflects abstract moral processing rather than cost-benefit analysis. (WIRED)
Asking “Who do I want to be?” centralizes that deeper sense of self, not just the facts of the situation.
Similarly, my friend Lindsay Burr asks me, “What is your desired outcome?” when I’m reacting to stress. If I find the desired outcome stems from a wounded place—e.g., “They hurt me, so I want to hurt them back”—I recognize that it’s misaligned with who I aspire to be (kind, fair, calm, graceful).
In ethics and leadership studies, integrity involves being honest and acting according to strong moral principles—even when unseen or under pressure. (BetterUp) When our desired outcome clashes with our identity—especially if it risks causing harm—it signals incongruence with our values and integrity.
We have the capacity to uphold boundaries or speak candidly when necessary—but doing harm isn’t aligned with our better selves. We want our responses to be congruent with who we aim to be.
So give it a try:
When faced with a challenge, ask yourself:
- Who do I want to be?
- What is my desired outcome?
Tap into your higher self—your deeper values—rather than reactively responding to the situation. The better solution, one aligned with your integrity and long-term goals, will emerge naturally.